Remembering a Sad Time

Saturday evening I was in my sewing studio "puttzing" around, as my dear MIL would say. I had sewed all day and needed a break from actual sewing. But I still wanted to be in my studio so I was looking at patterns, moving stuff around, stash dreaming…you know, "puttzing" around. 


As I was rearranging a couple of the many piles I have in my studio I found 3 pieces of fabric I purchased from Textile Studios in January 2005. For some inexplicable reason these 3 pieces of fabric have never made it into the "official" stash. I knew I had the fabric. They were purchased for 3 specific garments, but I hadn't cut swatches to add to my stash file, nor had I included the yardage in my stash tally. (It would be +10 yards.) But here is what made me sad when I found this fabric.


I went through a very difficult period starting in the late 90's. I was falling apart emotionally from the inside out. For a long time I didn't realize what was happening. Looking back I see that one of the ways I tried to cope was by purchasing fabric. I was obsessive, stashing away hundreds & hundreds of yards of fabric. Truth be told, I wasn't stashing, I was hoarding. I sewed very little during this period. I just bought fabric and stashed it away in boxes I hid in closets & under beds and any place I could find where I hoped  The Love wouldn't notice. I racked up pretty high balances on several credit cards due to my hoarding. 


The best thing I can say about having all that fabric is this. During that time I would periodically go in my sewing studio, close and lock the door, literally wrap myself in several pieces of fabric and take a nap. I would feel safe locked away from the rest of the world wrapped in long lengths of beautiful fabric. For a time, the anxiety I felt inside would dissipate. A good thing now about all that fabric is that now that I am much healthier emotionally, I have a wonderful selection of fabrics to sew from.


Finding these 3 pieces of fabric reminded me of the dark period in my life; the pain I caused the people who loved me, especially The Love Of My Life. It reminded me of the years of therapy; the hard, painful work I did to climb out of the abyss I had sunk into. It also reminded me how much The Love stood by me and how grateful I am for his love, patience, understanding, empathy and friendship. 


I am ready to cut into these 3 pieces fabric now. Patterns are traced off, fabric is pre-shrunk and on the cutting table. My journey to an emotionally healthy adult continues daily. Sometimes I take small steps, sometimes I leap forward. Sewing these 3 garments will be like vaulting over a high fence.